Of course, tick tock, tick tock, you only have so much time. There are bills to pay, errands to run, herpes to treat, and the Hybrid’s in dire need again of its alien replacement parts. It’s for people just like you that we’ve invented, a pet especially designed for the hectic, jungle pace of the twenty-first century.
Now you no longer have to choose between meeting a work deadline and receiving your R.D.A. of affectionate social interaction. Available in catform, dogform, and now pigform, our DisposaPets last between 10 minutes (for a quick pick-me-up) and a day (for that lazy Sunday when you have nothing else to do but paw at another species). They cartwheel and frolic and chase horseflies and engage in playful, teasing copraphagia like any other cherished pet. They are the perfect guard animals, instantly valued members of the family, and, as well, chic accessories that can be colorized to match practically any outfit or interior decorating scheme.
Perhaps the most loving creature ever devised, DisposaPets will hang onto your every word as if their small, convenient lives depended on it (which, in fact, they do). Of course, with all the extra, little things you have to do to stay solvent in our shaky economy, the endless demands of social media, and the fact that you’re continually digitally “on call” to the world and thus vulnerable to the many small emergencies that may arise and require the immediate investment of your time, you cannot plan for every contingency and so your DisposaPet comes equipped with a small red panic button beneath its right ear. Pressing this button causes a neurotoxin to be released which will effectively shut down the DisposaPet’s system within seconds.
DisposaPet’s convenience does not end there, however. Upon death DisposaPet curls and shrinks into a ball no bigger than your average supermarket apple – making it ideal for modern disposal methods. Thanks to our patented microbes, there is no decay. Rather, a process of pleasant-smelling mummification immediately sets in. Some customers are so charmed by the final products that they keep them as coveted curios.
DisposaPet is ideal for doctors, professors, bankers, nurses, and the working parent. Don’t wait to order yours today! Supplies are limited.
Literary Editor: John Yu Branscum